(Update: Interesting discussion in the comments!)
It's awkward.
An antithesis to what we ascribe.
Downright awful.
Anxiety producing.
What's the word?
ADOPTION.
Sometimes it just stinks for my kids.
I cringe when I'm forced to use it and then I feel like crying.
This week, I had a girl who wasn't feeling well.
Not well at all.
On Sunday, she had an episode that affected her vision. She proceeded to throw up three times and then proclaimed herself cured enough to go to a end of the season sport's celebration. That very afternoon.
All of my girls subscribe to the trauma-drama club. Their traumatic backgrounds do not allow them to filter life events in any sort of typical fashion. Thus making it very difficult to assess a situation when one of them "just doesn't feel very good."
We went along through the week until Thursday when it happened again. When you lose peripheral vision, that's a bit scary. Two times is the charm and I sounded the alarm. Off to the doctor's we went. Pronto.
Then it happened. FOUR TIMES. The A-word.
Because of her symptoms, 2 nurses and 2 doctors each individually asked the same question.
Any family history of............?
Pause. Room goes quiet. Girl looks at me. I look at her.
Neither of us knows what to say.
Then I had to grow up, take one on the chin and say, "We don't know, she's adopted."
Like it's a dirty word or something.
It stinks.
And it hurts.
The truth is...we don't know family history about most of our kids.
Every medical form I fill out is filled with "UNKNOWN"-s.
Allergies - Unknown
Prior History - Unknown
Birth History - Unknown
We just don't know and probably never will.
Some things we had to learn the hard way.
The not so fun part of adoption for our children.
Reminding them of their loss behind instead of life ahead.
Together we live, we learn, and we love.
Agreed. Thanks for putting it into words.
ReplyDeleteSeriously? It is all in your mind and you are projecting this on your children. You need to deal with this quickly and move on. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Adoption is awesome.
ReplyDeleteI go to the doctor, say we don't know and that is that. No regrets.
We definitely think adoption is AWESOME too or we probably wouldn't have done it seven times. The post above reflects specifically my kids who were adopted as older children and remember their family and a lot of their history. I'm not embarrassed, only sad when they are sad. Most of these situations end up being very healthy because it stimulates great conversation.
DeleteAlso, with some of my kids, it's obvious that they are adopted and not so much with others. Sometimes, I just say no to some of those medical questions. In this situation, a potentially serious medical condition, we felt it more prudent to say unsure and why because we could track down answers if we had to.
Thanks for your comment.
I love my adopted son so much, but I do hate all the losses that went into him needing to be adopted in the first place. I had a similar experience at urgent care about a year ago, when the doctor chose different treatment for him, just to be safe, because so much of his medical history is simply a blank. I'd never thought before that about how not having any medical history can be a big deal, a big loss.
DeleteI feel it the most when we talk about family ancestors. An aunt once told us that somewhere way back we are related to Abe Lincoln. One of my daughters exclaimed, "Oh, really?!" and then quickly backtracked to, "Oh, but that's just you and not really us."
ReplyDeleteAdoption is beautiful. Adoption is wonderful. But we must never forget the fact that adoption is rooted in pain and loss. And sometimes that just hurts.
Thanks for your post, Jennifer.
Beautifully written Jennifer, I know exactly what you mean! I have had much the same experience in and out of a doctors office. In fact just yesterday we were checking out in line at our favorite Chinese grocery store(stocking up on Mian Bao) and the cashier whispered under her breath asking me how are they Chinese and they are with you and they speak English? Sigh. We just want to be a family, we want to live and love and buy our Mian Bao....which I'm totally sure I'm not spelling correctly. Though we realize there is nothing "wrong" with adoption nor are we embarrassed about it. It is indeed a beautiful thing but it also does not necessitate that these kids that have been through so much, become the poster children for it and have to explain themselves in so many situations like the doctors office. Sometimes you just want to be an F {family} and not an A. Hugs sweet friend!
ReplyDeleteWas thinking about this all day dear friend. How to go through life without the "A" word defining you. It defines our entire family. I'm going to think on this more for the sake of my kids!
DeleteI know what you mean.
ReplyDeleteIt is on all their charts so the questions are minimal now.
I guess because they are all asian and I am obviously not- it is immediately assumed.
Great post.
DeleteUsing the A word is definitely more sensitive depending on which kids we are talking in front of. For some it represents pain of loss in a big way... in recent memory, close to home. For other little children who loudly proclaim it to everyone who wants to know... not quite so sensitive. Mine are neither proclaiming it, nor sensitive when it comes up, but you have to wonder how it all churns up inside their heads! My kids look like us a lot. . .
Angela, I've thought about this as well since I have kids who have been in my house since their first year and others who came much later. Our youngest looks a lot like our oldest son. Funny but I was on my way to a neurology appt today and I called the birthmother and asked her to tell me more about her pregnancy so that I would be informed as possible when talking to the doctor. I think they process differently all the time. Sometimes it is a big deal and sometimes it just isn't.
DeleteOur therapist always told us that if our kids didn't "worry" about stuff like this, then that is when we should be concerned!
Great discussion.
I wonder about the age of the adopted child of the commenter who said, "go to the doctor, say we don't know and that is that. No regrets." I suspect that adoption loss becomes a bigger issue for teenagers. Just a thought. Doctors and nurses ask medical history questions directly to teenagers. They have to be really comfortable with having a gaping holes in their medical history for this not to bother them.
ReplyDeleteDana, I wondered that as well. Because my girls are teens and pre-teens, we are making the transition to them totally talking for themselves at appointments. Sometimes, I don't even go in anymore.
DeleteI brought the whole issue up with my 13 year year old daughter and I think she was secretly dismayed at the thought although she tried to cover. It hasn't happened to her yet where she has been put on the spot about her history. So we were able to talk about different scenarios, how she would feel, and what she would say. Because it WILL happen sooner or later.
Great discussion.
Um, Jean? I think you will start looking Asian one of these days! Because your family just fits! :)
ReplyDelete