The Best Blind Date Ever

Okay, truth be told, it was my one and only blind date. 

A few weeks ago, I flew to Florida and met up with a whole bunch of Jesus-loving-China-Moms.

Who I had never ever met before.

Except on the internet.

Glory be! 

It was a little scary. 

A flashback to junior high days all-over-again. 

Like, oh my, maybe I should dye my hair and try to lose a few pounds?

Or what if she doesn't like me?  'Cause you know the internet hides all the warts and stuff, right?

Well here is how it went a-la-airport.

My plane landed. We texted our positions. We planned a slow motion run towards each other complete with elevator music. Surely someone would be videoing this epic moment....

(Yes, this is what happens when you leave nine children for four days. Giddy and foolish, all day long.)

Truthfully, we recognized each other right away, skipped, hugged, and decided.

Real life makes real friends!

Sonia, the other mother of a Joshua, graciously invited me to attend the Empower to Connect conference.

What a blessing to have a chance to have a little time by myself, meet new friends, and go to an excellent conference ministering to foster and adoptive families.

It felt like the many classes I have taken over the last 10 years were rolled into one package and the brain biology of it all was clearly and concisely explained. 

I could have sat there for a week soaking up information. 

Successfully raising kids from hard places often throws the paradigm of how we parent a typical biological child right out the window.

Right before I left for Florida, I had a child stomping down the stairs spouting their sad in a very mad way. 

"You don't want me anyway."

Folks, this is seven years in. 

Seven years.

Attachment is a lifelong process. And we still have work to do. 

She admitted she didn't mean it when we talked about it later. 

But I find in every outburst a grain of truth and a peek into the heart of a hurt and scared child.  

My takeaway from the conference was CONNECT. 

The connection is and has to be primary. 

Compassion and correction can follow.

Way different than the "you behave and then we will talk" variation we have used for years. 

There is always something new to learn and I commend Dr. Karyn Purvis for her diligent work in attachment and behavioral therapy. I loved her book, The Connected Child, mostly because it addresses the specific needs of kids adopted from all sorts of situations.

Every once in awhile it feels good to know that we are not alone in our struggles to parent children from hard places. 

Sonia, my wonderful host, has a post up about what she learned at E2C including pictures of me at IKEA. That was the dessert of the weekend, a trip to the Swedish store where I educated Sonia on the finer points of the heritage Peter-S-O-N and yes dear one, I love the meatballs. 

I got to surprise and hug the neck of a dear blog friend, Dawn, who has a series of thoughtful posts on the conference. Her blog was one of the first I found that gave me a huge sigh of relief when I saw her eight (now nine) adopted children.

Spending time talking to Lori McCary was an absolute highlight as she waits for her dear daughter Rachel to get her new heart. 

Meeting Stacie and hearing her story of adopting an aging out teenager from China was inspiring and heart breaking all at the same time. 

I also got to see what life on a military base was like and meet Alicia, one of Sonia's friends who has adopted a sweet little boy from China. 

Grateful to my family allowing me some time off to learn and hopefully be a better mother for it. 

Joy's Journey to Healing - The Next Step

At long last, Joy's rescheduled surgery rolled around. A flurry of phone calls about medications, anesthesia, her lack of English, and the time of surgery prepared us for the big day. We didn't need to be at the hospital (over an hour away) until 7:30 am but I decided to take Joy to the Ronald McDonald House the night before to make the morning easier. I was worried that she would not understand why she couldn't have anything to eat or drink. It is much easier to get up at the RM house, get dressed, and head right over to the hospital.

I was so glad I decided to go Wednesday night. As soon as we walked into the Ronald McDonald House, Joy totally got what was happening. "Joy, hospital, me?" she asked me. "Yes, Joy. Tonight we sleep here and then tomorrow we go to the hospital." Joy ate a big plate of macaroni and cheese and then we played awhile. She went to sleep and me, not so much.

Thursday morning, Bob drove over and picked us up around seven. We checked in right on time and went back to the surgery prep room. Joy is such a trooper, although you can see from the look on her face that she was a little apprehensive.

After I got woozy taking Joy into the cath lab in Boston, I definitely deferred to letting Dad accompany her into the operating room. Only one parent is allowed to wear Care*Bears. Isn't he the best Dad ever?  He came back about 10 minutes later and said she went to sleep just fine.

Forty five minutes later, both doctors, (ENT and Pulmonary) came out to talk to us. The surgery turned out to be a look-see! No cutting or removals. The ENT said everything in her upper airway was perfect. The Pulmonary guy said the lower airway was not as good. Joy has bronchomalacia which is weak cartilage in her bronchial tubes. This condition is sometimes present with congenital heart disease. Because her pulmonary hypertension has already compromised her lungs, this narrowing isn't making it any easier for her body to cope.

 

Post surgery went fine. We spent about an hour in recovery with a popsicle and the IPAD. For some reason, we ended up telling a little bit of our story and showing pictures to most of the nurses and doctors. Some shook their heads, others asked questions. You never know when you might be given the opportunity to inspire.

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect...1 Peter 3:15

Joy, trying to smile for the camera. She is so brave and hardly ever complains. The end result of the "look-see" is a watch and wait situation. Joy will go for another sleep study to be fitted for a CPAP machine to help keep those airways wide open at night, alleviating the stress on her heart and lungs. The good news is that some kids grow out of this condition and since Joy is the size of a three or four year old, hopefully this will hold true for her.

We were released from the hospital by noontime. I was glad as there are a lot of nasty germs in the hospital right now and better for Joy to be home where she belongs! 

China Hearts - Adoption Journey

Today was our turn to post at 28 Days of Hearts , a blog dedicated to telling the stories of 28 adoptive families, all with children from China who have some form of congenital heart disease. Many hearts have been repaired, some are in the hospital, and others, like Joshua and Joy, are still waiting. 

Joshua FanKang and Joy MeiNi

Adopting a child with life-threatening special needs is like volunteering to have your heart broken.” Dana

I cannot tell you how the seed was planted. This thing called adoption.

Our life was finally settling down after 10 years of foster care, ministering to many children and families, eventually saying yes to five children needing a place to call home.

Yet God kept calling. That small little persistent voice whispering, “You can do more because I AM asking you to. Open your heart!”

On paper the whole idea of adoption, never mind international adoption, was pretty ridiculous. We had eight kids. Our income was not enough by most measuring sticks.  Medication that was against the rules. Several adoption agencies turned us down. Only one agency stated we might adopt a child from Ethiopia above the age of seven. Oddly, instead of being discouraged, we waited and hoped.

One fine day in November of 2010, I came across his picture on the side of a blog. Heart jumped. Everyone agreed he was incredibly cute. Husband completely on board? Yes.

Head over to 28 Days of Hearts and read the rest of the story. We hope that others will be inspired by the stories told there. 

Adopting a child with heart disease is scary? Yes. 

Rewarding? More.

She Calls Me Mom

And that's okay.

With her Mom and her Dad and pretty much everybody else. 

 It's not a problem, it's a celebration!

 We were blessed to raise her through most of the firsts.

Food, sitting up, steps, words. 

A precious privilege.

 The siblings gained a bond that will not be easily broken.

Support that will be very important as they grow and learn and wonder why? 

Our time together is more limited now but no less important.

The girls like having each other. Actually, let's say they've made peace. 

 Matching dresses and a little ballet helps.

 One weekend a month we love up on our littlest girl 

who will always be a special part of our family.

Mommy and Daddy Bob love you sweet thing. 

And it's REALLY quiet here now that you are gone. 

I remember the first time someone else's child called me "Mom". Panic stricken, I went right to the therapist. I didn't want to usurp another's place in their child's life. Nor did I want to make a big deal about anything with a child who was already up against a myriad of struggles. Sometimes, the kids who called me "Mom" were fairly observant in that they would quickly learn that "Mom" would get my attention faster than "Jenny" or "Hey you" or pointing with a grunt. Others needed that security the name can give. What I learned for myself was that "Mom" is sometimes a name, sometimes a feeling, and most often it is both!  I treasure the children we were allowed to "mother" through very hard places, a time of separation from all they knew and those they loved. I will forever be grateful that we were a part of many children's lives and hopefully, in some small way, they might remember the love we shared.

Coming soon: My thoughts on open and closed adoption. It's hard both ways.

Forty Would Be Fine

We have a goal.
Forty pounds. 
When that happens there will be a paaaaar-teeeeee around here!

On September 3, 2011, Joshua came home at age eight weighing about 35 pounds.

His small size comes in handy. He fits in all sorts of spaces.

But what we are really looking for is a little muscle and FAT! We want Joshua to be able to grow and get a little taller. Right now, his heart is using up a lot of calories which doesn't leave much energy for anything else.

We were hoping to hit forty pounds after a year but that didn't happen. When we increased his diuretic, another pound slipped off.  We are having a hard time keeping Joshua at a stable weight never mind gaining. He has grown in height a bit and is following his own little curve. In order to keep that going, we decided to get a little more serious about calorie counting.

He is not a particularly picky eater. However, the typical fatty foods we serve in America don't fly with Joshua who had eight years on Chinese fare to fine tune his taste buds. He also does not like dairy or potatoes other than an occasional french fry.

Monday, we went to see a nutritionist after a referral from the gastroenterologist. What I realized is the better we make Joshua feel, the more active he is. The more active he is, the more calories he burns. See the problem? I thought his weight would go up over the winter being inside more but after boosting the diuretic, his energy level went through the roof.

Currently, Joshua weighs in around 38 pounds give or take a half pound on any given day. The nutritionist gave us some great ideas to get Joshua eating more nutrient dense and adding an extra 300 calories per day. She involved him in the discussion and gave us some tips on how to give him choices that he would be happy with.

Joshua has an amazing amount of energy considering his cyanotic heart condition.

Kloey said that if he could make forty pounds by her birthday in May, she would let him help cut her cake. How sweet is that? 

So here's to forty, the magic number which will result in a big celebration around here.

May it come sooner than later!!!

A Taste of China

Today, we went to Boston to begin our celebration of the Chinese New Year.

We began at the Children's Museum where we were treated to an interactive dance workshop. That big fellow in the back? That is my brother. He is the one that got the kids to go up and try the scarf dance with the age old trick, "If I go, will you go?" What a great guy!

Smallest to largest. 

I love how their legs seem to get longer and longer. 

They really are pretty much all the same size. 

 In case you were wondering, my children are not 100% compliant.

It's definitely monkey-see monkey-do!

We had a great time at the Children's Museum once we figured out which adult was willing to chase which kid. There were Chinese New Year crafts and performances which the kids loved. As morning became afternoon, we decided to head over to Chinatown for a late lunch.

 After my husband magnificently parallel parked Big Red on the street, 

we walked down a block in the swirling snow. 

Chinatown, here we come, ready or not!

 

 Phone booths may soon be obsolete. 

I loved this one with the Chinese writing.

 

Uncle Marc found a restaurant for us. The very best kind. This IS the restaurant with only one other booth that you can't see. We were the only eat-in patrons and got personal service from the host, who spoke very little English which was fine by us.

Waiting for the food. Each dish came out individually. I think they were making our plates one at a time as everything was piping hot and delicious.

 

 We would eat here again!

 Uncle Marc is an adventurer and ordered jellyfish. 

Just about everyone tried some and thought it was quite tasty.

Interestingly, I looked down at lunch and saw a bare leg. Joy hasn't done this since we were in China. Pulling her pant legs up is a sign of nervousness for her. She still doesn't understand a large percentage of what we say and has to trust that we will keep her safe. Today was probably a bit overwhelming. I can't wait until she can communicate a bit more and we can prepare her a lot better.

 After lunch, we walked through an Asian supermarket.
 Underneath these fish were live fish swimming in tanks. 

Take your pick, dead or alive!

 Joshua was in heaven! He was so excited. 

Although he did tell me that I was NOT to make him speak Mandarin to anyone.

He ran all over the store saying, "I've had this. In China we ate that." 

A few interesting items got into our cart like melon seeds and jelly cups.  

So grateful that Uncle Marc came to introduce us to Chinatown for the first time. 

Everyone should try a pig snout at least once, right?