It's Hard Both Ways: Adoption

We have three adoption scenarios. 

All of our domestically adopted children came through the foster care system and subsequently had visitations with birthparents that went on for years. They remember their families, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and siblings. They remember places and birthdays and animal friends. They remember.

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Presently, our older girls have no (or limited) contact with the people who were part of their lives until they were four and five years old. Our paths cross every so often; years ago an Aunt who works at the grocery store made herself known to me. But so far, there have been no "relationships" built or maintained. 
This was not a fearful or conscious decision on our part but we were guided by some wise social workers, Casa workers, and a therapist, to cinch up the circle for awhile giving the girls time to heal and grow.

It's hard. 

Really hard.

This not knowing.

 Nor can we answer the questions that inevitably come.

 At least not to their satisfaction. 

We cannot assuage the grief. 

We cannot change the circumstances. 

We cannot turn back the clock.

So we hold them and comfort them. We learn to listen. We grow thick skin and try to bear the grief when the arrows of anger are hurled straight at us. Though it is not our fault, these terrible things that happened. The gaping loss in their lives, we weren't on the scene.  

But we are here now. Forever.

And when they are ready, we will confront the past with the present and go find the people who, in their minds, still matter. We will support them and be present for whatever comes when truth is revealed. 

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Years later, when the babies came, the opportunity to create an open-adoption relationship came about. Why not, we thought? We knew the way with the girls wasn't ideal. Perhaps there was another way to do adoption. 

Maybe maintaining relationships would be better, the grief less, the questions answered in real time? We had a choice, no one would have forced us or twisted our arms, but we decided we wanted this for our boys. We went forward with an informal agreement to stay in contact, made easy by the coming and going of little Miss Rosy. 

And what has developed has been nothing short of amazing and crazy and wonderful and bizarre and sometimes downright difficult.

Early on, she asked us to adopt Micah. We were stunned, unworthy of such honor. The heartfelt entrusting of flesh and blood to our care and keeping was overwhelming.

She came to Trey's adoption. She came to help us celebrate the eighth "birth" into our family though she was laced with pain and sorrow in doing so. The what-ifs wracked her. How could they not?  But she came for him, for us, for her. 

That my friends, is strength. 

But, and perhaps there is always a but, it's hard this way too. 

We have annual photo sessions with the other siblings, as many as can be gathered that year. We often stop by to visit and play. We shop for the kids and pierce ears together. We've even gone to the beach a few times. Twice we have shared a meal in our own home. 

However, there are emotional ramifications for our boys. Even though they were babies, they know. They feel the loss. It's much more subtle than with the older kids but the confusion is still there. 

When we are together, my boys are doted on and played with, tossed in the air by the older siblings. Loved on. And they adore the attention. 

And I squirm.

Because we only allow them to see the good side.

We are fiercely protective of our young sons. They don't see the domestic violence, the drugs and alcohol, the regular police presence, all the dysfunction that led to their removal. 

They don't know.

We have inadvertently created another kind of fantasy. 

And the Mom and I? We talk about the day when she will have to tell them the truth. The hard truths.

Together, we pray that the love we share for these children will carry them through those inevitable questions and the stretching days of, "Who am I really?"  

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 Finally, there are the Chinese babes. 

Only just here. Learning about home. What a family can be. 

They don't understand about birth parents. 

One doesn't want to know or even talk about it. 

Yet. 

There may never be any answers for them. The people and places in their pasts don't exist on paper like the others; giving us another form of heartache to learn about, to carry for them and with them.

Still, we honor those unnamed life-givers for allowing us the privilege to know and love and cherish these beautiful, precious children.

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There is no right way to do adoption. No rulebook, no road signs. 

But there is hope. 

And we have had the privilege of watching each of our children 

reach out and grasp tightly the hope that is true and right and real.

I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. 

He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber; 

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 

The LORD watches over you-- the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 

The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life; 

the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

Linking up today at We Are Grafted In with other families sharing the "openness" in their own adoption stories.

A Baker's Dozen

 'Twas all hands on deck this past weekend.

 My big girl came home overnight. She loved on the littles.

And the kids loved on her. They ADORE her.

After dinner, Lindsey and I went to pick up the sibs. Three of them to be exact. We then spent the remainder of the weekend trying to figure out who was who and which was which....

 Two two-hear olds of the cutest variety.

 The eyes and the laughter - just like Micah and Trey. Just like them.

 Here is Trey in the same bathtub...a few years ago.

 Who is who and which is which? That is the question.

 Yes, biology doesn't lie. There is some brotherhood going on here.

 My man has a big lap. And an even bigger heart.

 I could never do this life without the big guy.

 The boys wanted to change a diaper. I'm all about empowerment.

Yep, it was one of those diapers.

 Five siblings feeling the love. 

I said time for a movie and they sat down together.

 I am grateful for a birthmother who values family.

 Oh the love! I hope it will always be this way.

Monday morning I begged a picture of a dozen who spent the weekend under one roof. 

A house-full and a heart-full experience.

What A Suitcase Means to Them

 For my sweet, sweet Asians, a suitcase means we are going somewhere.

 And who knows where next that somewhere might be?

Last year we only took a short vacation to the coast for a few days. We were kind of busy with surgeries and family and getting ready for Miss Joy. 

When the Asians see the suitcase, they pretty much assume it means one of them is going to the hospital. True, sadly it's true.

Monday, after our mega shopping trip, Joy and I headed over to a building next to the hospital for another sleep study where she would be fitted with a CPAP machine to help her bronchomalacia, the collapsing of her airway, which may be adding to her heart/lung distress.

Even the thrill of 20 stickers doesn't help with the non-glamour of this procedure. 

Don't get me wrong, the technicians were great and very compassionate.

Watching Joy endure on Monday night was one of the hardest things I have done so far. She has been with us exactly six months and her vocabulary is about 50 words, maybe. She (and Joshua too) is compliant and a great patient. She allows it all. Without complaint. I believe part of that is her culture, part growing up in an institution, and some due to her inability to communicate her discomfort. 

During the night, there were several changes made and some brain thumping going on to try to find solutions for Joy. It would have been easier if she could tell us that something hurt her nose, or it didn't fit just right, or she was uncomfortable. 

  

But she didn't.

She just endured.

Which broke my heart.

The new goal?

Helping Joy find her voice.

We made a big step on Tuesday when we went for an evaluation to get regular speech intervention, helping her speed up along the language learning curve.

You see, when you don't have a primary language (at age six), learning English is difficult. Very difficult. All we have to compare to is Joshua who could read, write, and speak Mandarin at an age appropriate level when he arrived in the US. He was practically fluent in English 4 months later. Joy, I think will take years to achieve the same fluency level. We think she had very little language acquisition living in a tri-lingual environment. And no academics.

But goodness she is a bright and eager learner. 

With the biggest smile ever! 

God blessed us with a daughter who smiles from the inside out making the journey with Joy wonderful.

Just wonderful!

Feeding Eleven - From The Fly On The Wall

Been awhile since I've done a big shop. We've been limping along and making far too many trips to the local (read: very expensive) grocery store. If I drive fifty minutes to a more populated area, I think we save up to five bucks a bag. At least. Add in a trip to the Stuff-Mart for underwear and it becomes a "spend and save" trip.

Tomorrow, I am combining a trip to the allergy doctor with a quick stop at the market.

Yep. Quick. Me and my eight buddies. I am utterly organized. Here is how it will go.

Unload from Big Red.

Wait. Turn off Big Red and lecture explain to the troops about the buddy system.

No negotiations allowed at this point. Partners are prearranged.

Okay, now unload and walk sweetly with a buddy into the store.

Pull out five carts.

Erik. Just go! On your own. You want to start with frozen or produce?  

Frozen:
1 bag of broccoli
2 bags of corn
4 bags of whole green beans
2 bags of petit peas
6 Uno Flatbread Pizzas (sale 3/$10) You pick variety.
4 bags rainbow tortellini
1  meat Lasagne (special treat before 30 hour famine)
2 large bags cheese ravioli
8 cans of apple juice

This will take him exactly 7 minutes. I will give him the produce list next. 

Produce:
2 bags of apples
3 bunches of bananas
1 box mixed green lettuce
1 box baby spinach
1 bag romaine hearts
2 whole garlic
4 heads of cauliflowers (we are in love with roasted cauliflower)
1 bag of green peppers
1 bag of red peppers
1 4-pack of cucumbers
1 bag of onions
1 bag red potatoes
4 sweet potatoes
1 5lb bag carrots
4 avocados
4 tomatoes
2 bunches of asparagus

Kloey will take her partner in a cart and go get the miscellaneous! Good times.

Miscellaneous List
8 small cans of cat food - no fish
2 large packs of paper towels
2 Sc*tt toilet papers on sale $10.99
1 dish detergent
1 dishwasher detergent
1 box tall kitchen trash bags
2 - napkins
4 tissues 99 cent boxes
4 tubes toothpaste Aqu*fresh
2 3-pack of soap Dial B*sic

Erika and her best friend will head to the liquid aisle. 

Dairy
3 blue milks
1 red milk
8 eggs - dozens
4 butters - pounds
1 Almond Vanilla Unsweetened
1 Coconut Milk
1 Soy milk - plain
1 American Cheese - 3 lb
3 Orange Juice
1 block of cheddar
1 pack cheese sticks
4 packs of tortillas

Cora can take her partner to the bread aisle.  

BREAD
4 loaves of 12 grain bread
1 box plain graham crackers
1 box chocolate graham crackers
1 box cinnamon graham crackers
1 large creamy peanut butter
1 large chunky peanut butter
3 jars of no sugar added jelly
4 bagels - french toast, raisin, everything,wheat

That leaves Joy and me with the rest!

Everything Else
ketchup
mayo
olives
olive oil
canola oil
coconut oil
canned salmon
10 cans of tuna
2 cans vegetarian baked beans
4 bags of chips
1 large like biggest you can buy medium salsa
1 large  same type mild salsa
2 applesauce
honey 
maple syrup - the one area where we splurge
a few cans of peaches
sugar brown and white
coffee
4 boxes of cereal (will have a non English speaking partner to avoid pretty sugar
parmesan cheese
4 large Rin*ldi spaghetti sauce
2 boxes Suddenly S&lad
1 case Ramen noodles (treat with a capital T)
1 large box of fruit and nut granola bars
4 bottles of salad dressing - will see what calls to me
turkey bacon
turkey pepperoni
frozen salmon - 2 lbs
3 ground turkey
1 large hamburger
2 whole chickens
1 mega pack turkey hot dogs

Meet at the checkout. Plaster smile on my face and nod when they tell me I have my hands full. Hope that no one asks for candy. I might give in if all has gone well. Those marketing dudes ought to be shot.

When bag boys ask me if I want help out, I will look at them and say, "Thanks, but I think we got it."

Drive the row of carts without racing out to the big red van.  Not hard to find!

Chuck it all in the back and heft some over into the last seat. 

Pull out lollipops I have been hoarding since after Valentine Day sale. Drive home listening to rest of the Lamplighter Theatre story we started on the way down.

Unload. Put away.

Sometime this week run to other store to pick up:
10 lbs of white potatoes - 5lb/$1.38
9 lemons - 3/$1
2 canteloupes
Frozen fish fillets  - 2 bags
green grapes @ $1.59/lb

Want to guess how long this will last?

How many bags?

And the burning question: How much???

Someone said to me they wanted to be a fly on the wall at our house for just one day! So here you go, this post is just one of the answers to "How do you do it?"

It's Hard Both Ways - Education

Aren't we blessed in this country to have a multitude of educational choices?

Home, public, private, and now lots of on-line choices!

Home schooling isn't for everyone but it has worked for us, most of the time.

We didn't always spend 24-7 together. Lindsey went to school until halfway through third grade and Jerrod attended an integrated preschool program located in the public school. Our kids were part of very small nurturing programs and we were happy with the education they received.

At some point, we decided to take Lindsey out of school to learn at home. I was one of those who never imagined that would be a good idea for our family. Turned out to be a wonderful road for us as we read our way through book after book, learning so much along the way.

Fast forward a few years after Erik and then Erika arrived. What a blessing it was, for Erika and the other foster children who followed, to have everyone home. Their lives tended to be hectic, filled with a lot of coming and going. The only person who left our house was Bob when he went to work Monday through Friday. When you are home every day, it is easier to be consistent and that is exactly what we all needed.

We have used outside intervention/therapy/school often. Our kids have participated in special needs and typical preschools, several kids attended daycare a few days a week and Lindsey participated in band all the way through elementary school. Eventually Jerrod went to public high school for three years and graduated with his peers. A reasonable decision for what he needed, both socially and educationally. 

What we have learned over the long haul is that home or not, it is hard either way. 

At this point in our family life, the thought of packing up eight kids every day and kicking getting them out the door just about gives me a heart attack. Eight teachers to communicate with? At least three different schools, IEP meetings, therapies, bus routes, fundraisers, after school activities. February alone saw seventeen doctor's appointments. When would I fit those in?

However, living and learning at home with eight or nine kids milling around comes with its own challenges. First and foremost, we have had to work on how to get along with each other. Some days we do okay and other days we fail. Like everyone else, I have strong suits and weaknesses which means the kids get shipped out for English and writing classes. But have a math problem? Bring-It-On!

Being home seems to have given our older-when-adopted kids the grace and space to heal and grow. I think most of them might have done very well at school, but I am eternally grateful that I get to see the transformation first hand as each child blossoms into who God intended them to be. 

And now a little homeschool fun!

 Mama is home alone with the littles. The bored littles.

Since it was snowing out, we decided to make a treat. Dump a can of sweetened condensed milk and a slug of vanilla over a bunch of snow. Find two cute boys to stir it all up and you get snow ice cream.

We found an old candy cane in the cupboard

 and decided to add a little color to the cream.

 Pretty close to the real thing and tasty too!

 An old water bottle, rubber band, and some dish soap.

Hours of entertainment learning.

 Big brother is a very good sport on field trips.

 "Hey Mom, look at us."

 "We hung ourselves up!"

 Science museums are a must.

 Especially when you get to wear cool safety glasses.

 Very cool!

 "Oh, honey bun, someday you WILL know the why-s of all this silliness!"

 Dr. Micah. Dress up is another must!

Just to show you that it isn't all work and no play around here, I found this little gem on my computer one day. They sneak these in all the time.